Chapter 2: Our Obsessions with Rankings

The Capital Markets team got our company listed on a couple of top ten charts for Asia Pacific in one of the reputable financial magazines. To celebrate the winning, the team was having free drinks from the head at the Raffles Hotel’s Long Bar. In his jubilant mode, the head of the Capital Markets team was generous enough to invite our team as well.

The Long Bar is the only place in Singapore where you could crack endless supply of peanut, pop the peanuts into your mouth and throw the shells on the ground freely. Yes, most patrons for those neighborhood coffee shops will also throw peanut shells and cigarette butts on the ground freely. But it is different at the Long Bar. It is the proper thing to do there. You will not get disapproving stares from the next table and silent curses from the coffee shop cleaners sweeping the litter that you created. In fact, the waiters in the Long Bar will smile at you with an apologetic “excuse me” before sweeping away the shells.

After a few drinks and some jestings among the team, our team head Rose threw us a question: “Guys, how do I select a primary school?”

Either she had too much of a drink, or she figured out that we had too much of a drink and a solemn question at that point was necessary. Though I could not connect the relationships between a primary school, a bar and a group of finance guys.

“Why?” asked KZ.
“You see, my kid will be getting his primary school education in two years’ time,” Rose explained. “And I’m thinking of selecting a good school for him.”
“Nearest?” asked KZ again.
“We’ve only got one primary school nearby but I heard that it’s standard is not very good,” Rose explained again. “Anyway, location is not a major problem because we can always move.”
“Choices?” asked KZ yet again.

To speed up the questioning, I decided to get Rose out of KZ’s single-word conversation.

“Which are the schools you’ve got on your mind?”
“Oh, I’ve heard about FM Primary, HP Primary and NH Primary. Do you think they’ve got any top ten charts for primary schools?”
“No, not a top ten chart. I can’t imagine what the schools would do to push the students in order to get to top ten,” I laughed. “But they’ve got this Sustained Achievement Awards for Physical and Aesthetics for Primary Schools, where the primary schools will be awarded for their students’ achievement in sports and arts.”
“But that doesn’t tell me how high the standard of the schools will be,” she frowned.

She was right. There must be a way to find out which were the better schools. Those parents who camped overnight outside the reputable primary schools in order to be ahead of the primary school registration queue must know something.

“Ju,” KZ said calmly.

Yes! Why did I not think of that?

“Well, if you insist, there is a proven but unrecorded ranking system for primary school standards thought. All you need is to ask a mother.”
“Ask a mother?”
“Yeh. Judging from the length of an ‘Oh’ when you tell her which primary school your kid is studying in, you could tell whether the school’s good or not. The longer the ‘Oh’, the better the school.”

Rose raised an eyebrow and gave me that “you’ve got to be kidding me” look.
“I’ll show you,” I assured her.

I turned around and tried to search for Ju. I found her talking to a Capital Markets guy by the bar. Judging from the “I’m confused by you but I’ll try to be polite and appear interested” look on her face, I knew she would love to be interrupted.

“Hey Ju!” I waved at her. Sure enough, at the spot of my wave, she apologized and left the Capital Markets guy hurriedly to join our table.

Rose looked at her anxiously.

“Why?” Ju looked innocently at me.
“Hey, I’ve got a nephew who has just got into FM Primary.”
“Oh.”

“Then I’ve got a niece who is studying at NH Primary,” I continued asking.
“Oooh.”

“And a friend whose son is studying at HP Primary.”
“Ooooooooh.”

“Is that school good?” Rose asked.
“Yes!”

With the smile on Rose’s face, I knew she had got the answer she wanted. At that moment, Nicky came over to our table with a glass of vodka on his right hand and a newspaper on his left.

“Hey dude! Guess what? Singapore is ranked 140th out of 167 countries in the World Press Freedom Index!”

Geez, that was not a very good piece of news. Singapore had got this obsession about rankings and anything less than top ten was unforgivable. And now 140th!

I remembered a few days ago when the National University of Singapore was announced to be ranked 22nd out of two hundreds in the World University Rankings, the university president was not very happy. News was that the slip was due to the university’s poor score in the new rankings indicator which puts universities to the test of the job market. National University of Singapore scored 12 out of a possible 100 when international employers were asked which university graduates they prefer to employ. However the president still believed that universities are best ranked by their peers.

What a sore loser. If the purpose of that piece of paper labeled degree was to get a good job for the student, it made all senses to test the university in the job market! What is the point of getting a degree that is respected by other university professors and peers, but not recognized by the potential employer?

“… we’re one place behind the Philippines,” Nicky continued. “And look! We’re way behind Malaysia and Indonesia as well!”
“Reasons?” asked KZ.
“The association Reporters Sans Frontieres said that our low ranking is due to the complete absence of independent newspapers, radio stations and TV stations, the application of prison sentences for press offences, media self-censorship and the opposition's lack of access to the state media,” read Nicky in one breath.

Yes, that long explanation gave more than enough reason to place us at the 140th.

“Actually Singapore should treasure its 140th place, because I think it’ll slip further next year,” commented Nicky.
“Why?” asked KZ again.
“With the kind of close relationship Singapore has with China nowadays and all the friendly visits to China,” Nicky explained. “I won’t be surprised if the Media Development Authority decided to introduce a Great Firewall of Singapore that is akin to the Great Firewall of China.”
“No, I don’t think things will turn that bad,” Rose disagreed. “Singapore is a republic, not a communist country.”

I crossed my fingers and hoped Rose was right. It would just look too ugly if we were to be ranked below North Korea in the following year.

“Hey, back to the school problem,” urged Rose. “Let’s say I’ve decided to enroll my kid into the HP Primary, what should I do to increase his chance of getting in?”
“You would need to stay near the school,” I suggested.
“No problem. I think there’re a couple of condominiums around that area.”
“You could donate to the school.”
“Like how much?”
“Erm… I would think that they’ll prefer you to donate fixed assets like fax machines, copier machines and computers, instead of hard cash.”
“Oh,” Rose pondered. “That sounds so troublesome.”
“Or you could do some volunteer work for the school.”
“What kind of volunteer work?”
“Erm… I’m not sure.”

I wanted to suggest teaching, but I could not imagine a class of primary school kids trying to catch a fighter plane so that they could catch Rose’s every sentence. With the amount of fat on her body and the amount of exercises she did, I could not suggest teaching sports to her. I could not imagine her doing some dirty cleaning jobs for the school either. Hey, she was a team lead in a reputable MNC, for god’s sake!

“I know what you can do!” Nicky said avidly.
“What can I do?” Rose looked at him hopefully.
“You can help the school to launch a million dollars inaugural bond, preferably Renminbi denominated, into the China market! Since Singapore has such a good trading relationship with China, and the Chinese so eager to invest their monies, the bond will sell like hot cake! With the cash collected from the bond, the school could tear down its buildings and rebuild all classrooms and halls!”

It must have been the hypnotizing effect of the rows of slowly moving straw fans above our heads, or the number of drinks Nicky had.

“And if the bond yields favorable returns, the school could even buy some more land and put a fast food restaurant, a swimming pool, a movie theatre and a bowling gallery in it! I’m sure the school will be so eager to welcome your kid!”

Okay. It was the number of drinks Nicky had.